I Am NOT a Tortoise

My dear friend and ear-rubber, The Lady Across the Pond owns this blog. I believe you know her better as Anne McAllister, but I know her as TLATP who comes to visit Me on far too infrequent occasions . She brings me tokens of her affection and esteem – salmon is my preferred gift – and she knows just where to rub behind my ears.

So when my dear LATP told me that she was in A Quandary, naturally, like the Cat of Superior Breeding that I am, I came to her rescue.

TLATP's Quandary is this – if I did not post a Guest Blog for her then she would have to post yet another blog about tortoises. And, well to be frank, even nine lives are too short for yet more reptilian musings.

Feline musings on the other hand, well I am sure that there is never enough time for them. Especially the musings of A Cat of Superior Breeding.

Oh – my Mum has just told me that perhaps you may not actually know of me. How could this be? Have you been hiding somewhere? Do you never read TLATP's blog – or indeed that of My Mum. My Mum like TLATP is an Author. You, I expect will know her as Kate Walker. She and TLATP write Romances. I have little time for Books myself – you can't eat them and what is the use of something you can't eat - or sleep on.

I have tried sleeping on My Mum's Books and indeed the books written by TLATP, in fact I only recently tried the latest published books, The Santorini Bride by TLATP and Sicilian Husband, Blackmailed Bride by My Mum (I needed to put them both together as, as well as being a Cat of Superior Breeding, I am also A Cat of Substance and one book is not sufficient for me) and while comfortable enough, they are not my choice of snoozing spot. That would be on the windowsill in My Mum's office – or around her keyboard when she is writing.

But the best is unselfish snoozing – like when I am testing out the beds in preparation for a visit from TLATP. Then the knowledge that I am snoozing on the beds with the purely selfless aim of making sure that TLATP will be comfortable when she comes to share it with me adds to my enjoyment of the

endeavour.

So for those of you who need a formal introduction, I

am Sid the Cat -- Sir Sidney St John Willoughby Portly-Lummox to be precise. ACOSB, Lord of Hellion's Bumpstead and Earl of Blubberhouses.

I used to be a wanderer in the world but one day My Mum opened her door and I came in and I knew this was where I really lived. Unfortunately I have to share with the Other Cats – Bob and Spiffy, two elderly gentlemen who have lived here many cat lives and – here is the unfortunate bit – I also have to share with one Dylan, my Nemesis. Dylan is Dylan the Villain and he and I are not best friends.

One of the important functions I fulfill in My Mum's life – other than warming her lap, making sure that the bed is comfortable, adding elegance and beauty to her life and of course providing the inspiration for all her heroes, is that I also help her choose the winners for her contests. I choose the winners by picking the cat crunchie I wish to eat first, and the name it rests on is the winner. If you have not yet entered one of my Mum's contests then I would recommend that you do so – the more entries there are, the more crunchies I get to choose from and an Abundance of Crunchies is an excellent thing in my opinion.

In fact, an Abundance of most things edible is an excellent thing. My favourite time of day (please note the correct spelling of 'favourite' which is not the way it is spelled Across The Pond and even I fear by my dear LATP) time of the day) is Teatime. This is when My Mum provides me with a little smackeral (or two) of something tasty. Sometimes she is busy – with something she describes as a 'hero' and this does tend to displease me.

If she is busy then I am left to the mercies of The Gentleman of The House and believe me you really cannot get good staff these days. TGOTH is somewhat slapdash in his serving of Teatime and tends to forget that I am partial to salmon – or tuna if there is a severe salmon shortage. Sometimes he even serves me my Tea in the same bowl as the one that Dylan has just used! And this is just not good enough. As I am sure you will appreciate.

My dear LATP is very good at being aware of my needs. She always brings salmon when she visits and she knows just the right place to rub behind my ears so that we both enjoy it the most. Because of this – and because I know how much she enjoys it, I graciously allow her to rub my head frequently when she visits.

This knowledge and skill is all the more unexpected because the LATP had been brought up by d-o-g-s! I am not fond of d-o-g-s - but I will admit that in the case of TLAP's Gunnar, a Dog of some pretty superior breeding himself, I will make an exception – so long as he stays on his side of the Pond. His canine brothers, Mr Micah and Young Mitch are also tolerable – except that Young Mitch does, apparently, bounce. I am not fond of bouncing or indeed being bounced. Especially not by a d-o-g.

Being ACOSB, I always in demand by the paparazzi. They are always trying to get exclusive and revealing shots of me. Because of this, I have graciously allowed My Mum to publish a monthly exclusive on her blog. The Cat Calendar has become the major media event of the year and many cats are now logging on just to view it.

Young Rosie, for example, the feminine feline of new Presents author, India Knight is always glad to see a pawtrait of me. But there is one thing I should warn you of – and that is the presence of a fraud – the Phraudulent Pheline – who has been known to appear posing as myself and publishes the phraudulent photographs in order to embarrass me. But as this Phraud only ever poses in silly and ungainly positions those of you with taste and intelligence will know at once that the pict

ures of not of Me but him.

In f act some of the pictures are so embarrassing that I would advise those of you with sensitive natures to look away fast as you might find them upsetting. I know I do.

So, this is my opening post as Guest Blogger in LATP's blog. I hope you have enjoyed it.

I am sure that you have, otherwise you would have had to be subjected to yet more posts about tortoises – and nowhere have I seen a Tortoise of Superior Breeding. And how, pray can you rub a tortoise behind the ear? Who would want to stroke a tortoise shell when you could hav

e my wondrously silky fur? Or would you want a tortoise to sit on you when you were sleeping? I rest my case.

So I have saved you from yet more Tortoises. It's a hard job, but someone has to do it. Any tokens of your appreciation - in the form of salmon – will be graciously accepted.

If you have any questions that you wish to ask me then feel free.

As TLATP is entangled with some persons named Flynn, and Sara and all these tortoises, I am sure that she w

ill welcome me back to answer them. I have already made a guest appearance in TLATP's current book – alongside Sara (I pray it was not one of the moments that she 'cut' as that would be a shame and a crime) so it will of course be a great book as a result.

I hav

e appeared in several of TLATP's books already, and I had a speaking part in one, and those where I have appeared have naturally become bestsellers. How could they fail when they have ACOSB's paw

stamp of approval. In fact I am amazed that Harlequin have not put that on the covers – Tested and Approved by Sid ACOSB. That would guaran

tee huge sales – don't you think?

It only remains for me to wish you and Happy and Tortoise Free weekend. I am now going to give the keyboard back to My Mum and retire to the windowsill for

a much needed snooze to while away the time between now and Teatime.